Learning to love.

For the fact that this has been circling in my head for quite awhile now, I thought it's necessary to pen them down somewhere. Ha, so what's learning to love all about? Would it be hilarious if I said it all happened one late night, the A-ha moment like what we always call it. The kind of moments when things all suddenly made clear sense. I guess because I love to set aside some time prior to bed to reflect a little about my day, sometimes my life, that's why I treasure my bed time privacy so much so much. Although at times the reflection process can get so tough that it kinda drain my soul, I see it as necessary.

So that night, I thought hard and long, what is it that I really cherish. And trust me, this question is so damn tough. In a way, it requires me to sieve through things/persons/events one by one and really understand what is it that undergirds the way I view/think and eventually handle things. Then, you must be wondering why am I putting myself in such a fix, why bother thinking about such when you potentially can never get any answers out of it. But I suppose, if you can never understand what ticks you, you're probably never gonna be able to have a clear direction of what's next. 

And through the reflection process, I've realised that for many junctures of my life, I was able to gain peace and be at ease because I chose to love.... Loving myself through knowing how to love others. I've always believed that we grow through experiences and that we're constantly changing, changing for the better. At least to me, I can safely say that I'm not the hengweichen of 5-10 years ago. 

My point is, we've all been bad.. or rather, we've been...

selfish,

revengeful,

spoilt, 

harsh on self,

harsh on others, 

critical,     

cynical 

dejected

disappointed 

labelled as disappointing
etc and etc...

But do all these define you? If yes, and you're at ease with them, continue. But because I was very much struggling whenever I chose to be, say, critical or revengeful, I've slowly gathered that I wasn't made to express/act out those behaviours. And through every such situation when I have a choice between being negative (e.g. selfishly choosing to assert just my POV, forgoing that of the other party) or love (e.g. choosing to listen simply because you love them and hence their POV matters to you), the outcome will always be better when my choice is to love. 

By loving, I'm telling myself that I should be clear-headed and not let negative emotions cloud my judgement. 

By loving, I'm less inclined to doubt others which indirectly reveals my lack of self-confidence. 

By loving, I see that my loved ones are more willing to resolve conflicts together. Maybe because, by loving, I am letting off a signal that I'm open to whatever you may have to say and I will listen to all that you have to say. 

But ultimately, I suppose by loving, I've learnt to love myself more, doubt myself less and really letting people who matter to me feel that they really matter to me. 

Well, am not quite there yet, but am learning. 

Yes, I am learning to love, at least to people who really matter to me.  

Again, just a note to self.